I know this doesn’t relate at all to my nature, nor to the big personality I usually carry.
But lately, I’ve been trying so hard to swallow this pain that doesn’t seem to fade.

It’s strange how life sometimes pulls us into chapters we never planned to write.
I’ve always thought I understood my own story, bold, determined, full of light and purpose.
But now, I find myself lost between lines I never meant to read, unsure whether to turn the page or pause for a while.

And yet, in this quiet chaos, I realize something painful:
With every action I take to ease my pain, I might be hurting others too.
Not because I want to, but because I’m still figuring out how to not hurt.

There’s no manual for this, no right or wrong path, no clear direction.
Just a blurred crossroad between healing and harming, between letting go and holding on.

Because in my life dictionary, I’m still searching for the right terms.
Words that can define this stage, the confusion, the ache, the effort to stay kind even when my heart feels heavy.

And yes, that’s really hard.

Sometimes, I remind myself: You are strong and tough.
No one deserves to belittle you or make you feel unworthy.
But strength doesn’t always look like standing tall.
Sometimes, to truly win, you need to take a step back first.

Still, I hate feeling this growing hate inside my chest, it’s not me.
Not in energy, not in habit, not in nature.
It’s like carrying something that doesn’t belong to me,
and I don’t know how to respond or react anymore.

Right now, all I can do is deliver.
Support where I can.
Hold my ground without losing myself.

I know I can be a bit hard to handle, maybe even unique,
because my personality is big.
I feel things intensely. I fight for what I believe in.
But maybe my patience isn’t as big as I hoped.

And it hurts, you know?
I can’t help but wonder,
will I end up being the scapegoat later?

Am I the one who’s hard to collaborate with?
Or am I just being misunderstood, again?

Maybe this isn’t about being right or wrong.
Maybe it’s just about trying to stay kind and true,
in a space that doesn’t always know how to handle big hearts like mine.

So I keep going,
rewriting, redefining,
and slowly learning that healing isn’t about forgetting the pain,
but about finding the right words for it.
Because somewhere between chaos and calm,
I’m still writing the dictionary of my own becoming.

~ Reen